Friday, June 17, 2011

And then it hit me....

Took the kids to run errands today..

The boys seriously needed hair cuts, we needed a few things here at home and I had to pick up a few things for my oldest son's camping trip with the scouts that is coming up.

While I was out I decided I really should pick up something for the hubs from his little geeklings for Father's Day. He's only really asked for 1 thing so I made sure to get that, which was a couple packs of pocket t-shirts as his are wearing really thin, and we picked him up some pistachios too- they're his favorite. I've got a nice dinner planned for him as well.

I strolled over to the greeting card section and started reading the cards trying to pick out one for the hubs from me, one from the kids and heck while I am at it, I figured I'll pick up one for my 2 grandfathers and the kid's "adoptive" grandfather and..and..then it hit me, I won't be buying my dad a card this year, I won't be racking my brain trying to find him the perfect gift, I won't be calling him arranging a good time for him to come over for a cookout. He's not going to answer the phone when I call. It hit me hard, I felt my knees wobble and it was all I could do not to loose it right there in the greeting card section.

Most of the time I think I am doing so well, and then something, it could be anything, plucks that heartstring and I am a emotional mess.

I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts, its a pain like I have never known could hurt this bad and this coming from the lady who had a c-section with only 1 side of her body numb, I know pain, I just have never known pain and hurt like this.

And its hard, I don't want the kids to see me cry, to see my hurt. After all I am their Mama and I am supposed to make things better for them, easier for them, painless for them. How can I tell them everything is going to be ok, if I myself am having trouble coping.

So I left the greeting card section, trying hard to regain control and not let them see my eyes tearing up.

Losing Dad is the hardest thing I have ever done.

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